BSF Blog: Little Ones In Tow | Blue Star Families

The Conspicuous Absence of Presence | Post date: 04/12/2010 - 21:11

by Wife on the Roller Coaster

The roller coaster has begun. The deployment, still in its infancy, is gradually sinking in. Sometimes I feel like my husband is simply on routine travel, and he’ll walk through that door any day with a bag full of dirty laundry and homecoming presents for the kids. But deep down I know it’s different this time. I feel it in both the conspicuous presence and absence of what makes our family of four complete.

Present is the bar of soap in the shower that no longer dwindles each day. Should I toss it before it leaves a permanent scar on my shower ledge or save it because it’s one of the last things he touched?

Present is the itchy case of poison ivy snaking down my back that my husband generously shared with me before he left. I can’t complain too much though because that poison ivy is a direct result of the hours of yard work I didn’t have to do.

Present is the stack of unread magazines sitting on his nightstand. They continue to arrive in the mail, not knowing that the subscriber isn’t here to read them (and his wife isn’t particularly interested in improving her golf swing).

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The Month of the Military Child | Post date: 04/07/2010 - 20:22

April is the Month of the Military Child. Today the Obama administration released the following video message from Mrs. Obama and Dr. Biden, encouraging Americans to support military children and families. To learn more about the Month of the Military Child, visit the Department of Defense website.

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Let the Roller Coaster Begin | Post date: 04/04/2010 - 18:10

by Wife on the Roller Coaster

I’m ready. Or at least I think I’m ready. Well, I’m as ready as I’m ever going to be, and quite frankly, ready or not, here it comes. I’m about to hop on the jolting, unpredictable roller coaster called deployment.

As I strap in for the ride, I can’t help but wonder how I’ll handle it. I’ve been on this roller coaster before, and I can’t say I came out on the other end with flying colors, but if I were to be graded on a Pass/Fail basis, I definitely passed. I think.

I recall my husband’s first deployment and how wholly unprepared I was. I had no plan whatsoever to get myself through it. At the time, our son was 6-months old and I was finishing up graduate school. Needless to say, I had my hands full, and somehow I hoped that merely staying busy would magically flip the pages of the calendar. I was wrong. Between the hurricane that hit 10 days after my husband left, multiple trips to the ER for baby ear infections and RSV, a canine ear surgery, and the completion of my student teaching and thesis, I was busy alright. But it wasn’t enough. I had nothing else to buffer those bumps on the roller coaster.

Life is different now. That 6-month-old baby is a 6-year-old self-proclaimed man, and we have a rambunctious 2-year-old daughter added to the mix. I am a full-time domestic engineer (yes, that’s a fancy way of saying stay-at-home mom), and I’m blanketed in the security of commiserating friends. I’m older and wiser. I’ve had time to adjust to my official duties as a military spouse, and I’ve learned to expect the unexpected and respond with aplomb.

The change in our family dynamics will bring a variance in the challenges I will face this time around. I didn’t have to explain to a baby why his daddy was absent, but living with a kindergartener is like being trapped without a helmet inside a rapid-fire batting cage of questions. Without the escape of graduate school, I could ostensibly pass days without having a face-to-face conversation with another adult. I’m pretty sure I’m safe in the hurricane department, but you never know. Unlike last time though, I have a plan. I’m ready for these challenges. I think.

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Operation Appreciation: Thank A Military Mom for Mother's Day | Post date: 03/25/2010 - 01:20

Mother's Day is approaching and advertising is out in force to remind us to thank our moms on the big day. While you're celebrating your mom, don't forget to thank the mothers all around you as well, particularly the military moms.

Being a mother isn't easy, but raising a child is quite possibly the most rewarding accomplishment most of us will ever have. When you become a mother, it brings the world into perspective. You realize what it is to love a person so much that you will do anything, anything to keep him safe.

As mothers we deal with tantrums, exhaustion, first steps, first words, and first loves. We haul our children to school, soccer, football and dance lessons. We are cheerleaders, teachers, coachs, pastors and mothers all rolled into one. But sometimes, as military moms, we have to be dad as well. We can pack up an entire house, three children, 2 cats, a dog and a half dead gold fish and move them across an ocean.

By ourselves.

Or, we watch our sons and daughters proudly march off to war. We say "I love you" and let them walk away.

Welcome to the life of a military mom.

This Mother's Day, why not do something nice, not just for your mom, but for a military mom. Say thank you with Operation Appreciation.

We're all familiar with letter for the troops. Of course, those letters are always appreciated and needed. But through Operation Appreciation, you can send a card or a letter of thanks to a service member, parent, child or spouse of a service member. For Mother's Day, this is your chance to let America's military mothers know how much you appreciate all that they have sacrificed in order to keep our country safe.

See our Operation Appreciation page for more information or email programs@bluestarfam.org for a detailed instructional packet.

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Making a Difference | Post date: 03/05/2010 - 20:37

Check out this wonderful feature of BSF member Rebekah Sanderlin from the Making a Difference segment of the NBC Nightly News! Thank you, Rebekah, for getting the word out about the sacrifices that military families share.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

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Why Do All the Letters Sent by Military Wives Disappear? | Post date: 03/05/2010 - 13:44

by Alison Buckholtz

I've written letters to my much-deployed husband, Scott, on monogrammed stationery, hotel letterhead, notebook paper, and even, once, in the margins of a menu from a restaurant in Switzerland. In Japan, I invested heavily in cards that featured cute animals of different species talking to one another; when I worked in an office, I scribbled on the back of recycled meeting agendas. But only the memory of these letters exists. Like most deployed service members, who are always on the move and have to travel light, my husband couldn't hold on to my notes. It's not a question of sentiment—I know he cherishes my missives—but of mobility and storage space.

I've kept Scott's mail, of course. I stay put, and when one shoe box spills over, I reach for another. That's how it is with most military wives, and that's why archives and books like War Letters feature correspondence from husbands on the battlefield but little from the wives waiting back home. Here's one exception, circa 1952, that has always charmed me:

"Jan is snoozing in her afternoon nap & Jay is dragging himself blearily about trying to keep awake. He hardly even takes a nap anymore & is really ready for the sack at night... I think it is high time you are coming home because Jan is beginning to call every man she sees in a magazine 'Daddy'."

Louise Duquette sent this note to her husband, Norman, just before his plane was shot down in North Korea and he spent 587 days as a prisoner of war. The letter was returned to Louise unopened, which is probably why it survived. (She found out 19 months later her husband survived, when a radio station broadcast the names of released POWs.)

I've often wondered what a collection of letters from wives to their husbands-at-war would look like. Would most, like mine, sift through the detritus of the day before snagging on a shiny nugget of interest to the partner exhausted by combat? Would they be filled with romantic poems, full of longing? Pleas? Regrets? Would these letters capture important moments in American history, or fads known only to military families, like Flat Daddy? Such a collection, hinting at how other wives manage long and frequent separations, would give me some comfort. So I turned to the closest thing that exists: blogs by military spouses, which I started reading a few months ago when I got tired of hearing myself whine about my husband's 12-month deployment. The blog entries by Marine Wife Unplugged, Household 6, Mrs. G.I. Joe, New Girl on Post, Battleship Bettie, and others (some of which can be found here) finally make the firsthand experience of the waiting wife accessible to all.

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Explaining War to Our Children | Post date: 02/23/2010 - 23:09

How do you explain war to a 3 year old?

My son, Hollis, will make pretty much anything (even his railroad track parts) into a sword and he pretends to shoot people all the time. But at this age he really has no concept of death, aside from the demise of his cat.

The whole discussion started because my husband is preparing for an exercise with his Navy reserve unit. (The last one he will ever participate in before retiring. WOOHOO!) As a reserve family, the Navy has not been a constant presence in our life. Our boys know that Daddy is in the Navy, but without the constant deployment cycle facing active duty families, that don't really know quite what that means.

While my husband was getting his uniforms ready, Hollis asked him what an army was and if he could see a picture of one on the computer. Aside from being amazed at his early grasp of the power of The Google, I realized that I hadn't shown Hollis any pictures of Uncle B lately. You see, "Uncle B" is off in the middle east having a grand old time in the insane heat, sand and dust. B's unit has a photo page for friends and family, so I showed Hollis a few of Uncle B that I had found.

Then Hollis requested a photo of an "Army truck." So we looked at a few shots of Humvees. On the back of each vehicle is a large sign with two stop signs and a message in Arabic and English. It reads "DANGER STAY BACK." Hollis, being in the midst of the Age of Why, wanted to know why they had the signs there. Oof.

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Congressional Briefing: Overcoming Barriers Faced by Military Children With Special Needs | Post date: 02/21/2010 - 21:30

Military families with children often face educational disruptions. But what happens when military families with special needs children move? The evaluation process for services varies wildly from state to state and is time consuming. The level of services also varies across the country. These challenges can be frustrating to military families with special needs children. Today, we welcome guest author Jessica Butler, mother of a child with autism, attorney and advocate for special needs children, to address these issues.

by Jessica Butler

Earlier this month, I attended a briefing hosted by Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-WA) focusing on the barriers faced by military parents of children with disabilities, including in special education. McMorris Rodgers serves on both the House Committees on Armed Services and Education, and is Co-Chair of the Congressional Down Syndrome Caucus and Vice Chair of the Republican Conference.

Congresswoman Susan Davis (D-CA, and Chair of the Military Personnel Subcommittee) joined McMorris Rodgers in emphasizing the importance of disability issues. There are 100,000 military families with children or other family members who have a disability. When retirees are added, the numbers swell to 220,000.

The room was packed; it was a standing-room only crowd, including aides from many Congressional offices. (Aides are often central players in public policy, helping members of Congress develop their views, write their positions, and advance bills. They are not simply assistants, and their presence at a briefing like this is important.)

The Marine Corps Advocacy Experience

Mrs. Annette Conway, wife of Marine Corps Commandant James Conway, and a special education teacher spoke of the Marine Corps' outstanding program. The Marines medical care, respite care, and advocates help with special education and disability issues. The Marine Corps currently has 3 attorneys on staff.

Parents must navigate a new maze each time they move. At Camp Pendleton, for example, two different school districts served children, and each offered different special education services.

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Work/Life and the Military: What It's Really Like to Work and Serve | Post date: 02/10/2010 - 03:00

Last week I had the privilege of participating in a web radio discussion, Work/Life and the Military: What It’s Really Like to Work and Serve. I was joined by host Katie Stanton from Fem 2.0, military blogger Liberal Army Wife and Diana Zuckerman, President of the National Research Center for Women an Families.

The show was part of Fem 2.0's "Wake Up! This is the Reality" campaign to bring attention to the issues facing working families.

From the Fem 2.0 website:

Feminism 2.0 brings together the leadership of major women’s advocacy organizations and online women’s communities to further the connection between today’s issues and women’s voices. Feminism2.0 is intended for all women interested in better policy for women, families and society.

I was thrilled that Fem 2.0 was willing to tackle a frequently neglected demographic: the military family.

Our web radio conversation was long overdue and, I thought, quite informative. As I wrote last week:

Work. Career, Two incomes.

It's something that many people take for granted when the economy is booming. Many of us rely on a second salary in the family to pay the bills or to have even a hope of saving for the future. But what happens when the economy is in trouble, jobs are scarce, and you have to move every two years? What happens when you move to a new city across the country or overseas, your spouse is deployed and you can't find quality day care so you can get back to work?

Welcome to the world of the military spouse.

According to Rand studies in 2002 and 2004, military spouses are employed at much lower rates than their civilian counterparts and they make less money for the same work. These differences hold true even when accounting for education (milspouses have slightly more education than their civilian counterparts), age (milspouses are younger), and location (milspouses are more likely to live near major metropolitan areas). Moreover, because military spouses are younger, they are much more likely to have young children at home.

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How Can BSF Help Military Families? Tell Us. | Post date: 02/05/2010 - 01:07
Blue Star Families needs your help. We want to know how we can make BSF better for you. We want to hear your ideas for helping military families.

And we're going to enter you into a drawing for helping us! Between now and April 1st, everyone who signs up for our mailing list will be entered into a drawing for a $50 gift certificate.

Even if you've already signed up on our website, you can enter here again. In fact, we encourage you to do so.

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Blue Star Families is giving away a $50 Target or iTunes gift card! To enter, fill out the form below and tell us how we can make BSF work for you.
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Terms: The BSF Gift Card Giveaway is sponsored by Blue Star Families, Inc. Only one entry per person is allowed. Contest ends April 1, 2010. The prize will be awarded before April 8, 2010. Only residents of the Unites States may enter. You must be 18 or older to enter. No purchase is necessary and you may enter the drawing without filling out the online form by sending a 3x5 card labeled with "BSF Giveaway" to Blue Star Families, PO Box 6811, 7676 Richmond Hwy, Alexandria, VA 22306. You must include your full name, date of birth and a contact phone number or email on the 3x5 card. Questions? Email NewMedia@BlueStarFam.org. Void where prohibited.
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