Published: June 25, 2021
Did you know that military families move 3x as often as their civilian counterparts, most moving every 2-3 years on average? Starting over every few years leaves many military families struggling to create connections. In fact, according to the 2020 Military Family Lifestyle Survey, only a quarter (27%) of active-duty family respondents feel a sense of belonging to their local civilian community. And we know that lack of belonging creates feelings of isolation that can be extremely detrimental to the mental health and well-being of these families.
While all military families struggle to find their place with each move, the anxiety can be much worse for LGBTQ+ families. These families, who have committed to a life of service to our country, are grappling with the fear about how their family will be received in each new community; they question if their family will not only feel welcome, but feel safe. Erin, a Navy spouse and mom to a 10 month old, has found that microaggressions are a constant reality as an LGBTQ+ family, leading to increased feelings of disappointment and isolation.
“Pretty regularly people are surprised when they meet me [a woman] as my wife’s spouse,” Erin shared. “The look of surprise or confusion on their face is pretty evident, even if it’s just for a second. As a Military spouse, I am constantly asked where my husband is stationed and even after correcting the person, they sometimes continue to ask HIS rank or rate. Filling out paperwork, seeking services through military programs, and never seeing your family represented… It gets exhausting. Even though these may not seem like a big deal or just an inconvenience, it opens up a whole new cause for concern and hesitancy. I start thinking to myself ‘Is this person safe?’ ‘Is the program going to accept us as clients?’ ‘Are they going to treat my wife differently?’ One of the hardest things about microaggressions is they are often cast aside as someone being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too politically correct,’ but the reality is, when you live with them everyday, they can start to wear you down and can create a lot of anxiety about the world around you.”
That anxiety can manifest in so many parts of daily military life. From where you’ll move, to whether or not the incoming leadership, FRG or ombudsman will be accepting of your family — for LGBTQ+ families there is often an added layer of fear with each new step as they walk through military life. For Erin and her wife, the challenges of being both an LGBTQ+ family and serving in the military became evident at a time when they were most vulnerable: navigating fertility struggles while attempting to grow their family.
“Like a lot of LGBTQ+ families, we needed some assistance to get pregnant.” Erin bravely shared. “I have some fertility issues so we needed some additional support for that too. Finding doctors, lawyers, and/or clinicians who are qualified to help and have the cultural competence for LGBTQ+ families isn’t always easy, especially in some areas where you can be stationed with the military. I can’t tell you how many videos, pamphlets, and paperwork that we had to go through during our journey that talked about ‘moms and dads’ or ‘husbands and wives.’ The worst was offices that advertise themselves as being LGBTQ+ friendly but still didn’t have inclusive materials, protocols, or staff. It was a time where we were already feeling so exposed and vulnerable and it just made things so much worse. Going into something thinking your family is included and then quickly seeing they aren’t can be really discouraging. I still find myself crossing out the word ‘husband’ and writing ‘wife’ or ‘spouse’ when I fill out paperwork, even at the pediatrician!”
Now that Erin and her wife do have their son, it’s even more important that they have inclusive resources
and support available to them. They need allies in their corner as they tackle the unique challenges military life presents. “The hardest thing for us about military life is the deployments and separations,” Erin shared. “My wife was gone for a majority of my pregnancy, the birth of our son, and the first several months of his life. We did the best we could to work with what we had but there are things that she can never get back. Having support while going through all of that is so important. Fortunately, we’ve met so many amazing people and families and we’ve had such wonderful command leadership and families who have made us feel welcomed and supported. And we found the Modern Military Association of America. With their help, we looked up the available resources, attended events, found community, found our own little corner of safe space.”
All military families deserve to have that safe space available to them. That’s the mission of Blue Star Families and the Modern Military Association of America: to create an environment in which all military families are able to thrive. We will do this by continuing to shine a light on families like Erin’s; families who are vital to the military community and deserve to feel supported and appreciated each and every day.
We want to be there for your family, too. Become a member today and learn more about how Blue Star Families continues to support the military community through valuable programs and resources at www.bluestarfam.org/join.
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