Published: February 3, 2022
Pregnancy Illuminates the Challenges and Isolation of Military Life: Your Friendship Can Make a Difference
Military life can pull you away from a lot – family and friends and all the special events that come with them, to name a few. It can be hard to swallow, but military families do their best to be present–to live in the now–as much as possible and find a way to cope with the rest. However, coping becomes more difficult when you’re expecting a child. Emotions run high, and each day seems to bring about a new moment that you long to share with family. It also sparks a lot of fear and anxiety surrounding the what ifs. Namely, what if something happens when your spouse is unavailable due to their military service?
Who do you call for help?
The answer is typically an uncomplicated one for civilian families: a family member or friend would step in. For military families, on the other hand, it can be much more challenging–especially if family and friends are oceans away. Anicia, a military spouse from South Africa, has felt the pain of being so far from home–away from her culture and anything that feels familiar. Still, when she learned that she and her husband were expecting their very first child, the anxiety and fear hit an all-new level.
“When I first saw the positive pregnancy test, so many different thoughts and emotions instantly surged through me,” Anicia recalled. “I was excited, of course, as we had planned this pregnancy, but suddenly, everything was getting real. I started wondering if I was going to be a good mom. If I was ready for this and how I would manage. I don’t have any friends at our current duty station or within our local community. In that moment, I wished more than anything that my mom was physically there with me to hold my hand and remind me to breathe. But with oceans and many time zones between us, I pulled myself together, put on a smile, and walked out to tell my husband the good news.”
Many military family members like Anicia struggle with cultivating a sense of belonging and finding friends. In fact, only half (49%) of active-duty family respondents to the 2020 Military Family Lifestyle Survey felt welcome in their local civilian community. For foreign military spouses who are faced with navigating a new culture, language, and customs, the idea of finding a community in which they belong can feel intimidating–nearly impossible. That’s a problem, especially when isolation leads to larger mental health struggles like anxiety and depression.
“Now that I have reached my last trimester, I have really started stressing and worrying about a lot of things,” Anicia shared. “Reality has set in about how nonexistent our support system is here in Illinois. Making friends has been really hard as a foreign spouse. Even being vegetarian has seemed to scare people away. I got tired of trying to find friends within military and local communities; it wasn’t working for me, and I started accepting that. But now with our baby coming soon, I am incredibly stressed out. I very quickly realized that I cannot do everything alone. I can barely put my own socks on. To make everything more stressful, my husband’s work schedule changed and he now works nights. Now I’m worried about when I’ll go into labor and if my husband will make it home in time. I tried talking to the doctor about a possible c-section. Yes, I asked for one. Before you judge me, I needed a plan. I am desperate to know when this baby is coming so I could organize myself and have a plan for help. I was told no. The doctor told me she is not responsible for how I get to the hospital or who is there to help me. So I had a panic attack for the first time in my life at 36 weeks pregnant. We got back home that day, and I started coming up with plans. I started making myself comfortable with the fact that I could possibly have this baby alone. I started accepting the fact that as long as we are in Illinois, I am alone.”
No one should feel like they have to go it alone–from pregnancy to military life in general. Therefore, it’s obvious the well-being and safety of our military families is at stake. At Blue Star Families, we’re on a mission to change the narrative. To create connections and bridge the divide between civilian and military communities to make it easier for military spouses, like Anicia, to find the friendship and support they desperately need. That starts by building understanding through open and honest dialogue.
“I saw a comment on a military article once from a woman who felt that service members and military families lead a very comfortable life on taxpayers’ money,” Anicia recalled. “The comment was hurtful because this person clearly doesn’t understand the challenges we face as a military family. That’s why I wanted to share my story. If anyone still has this way of thinking, I want you to know that it is not like that. We struggle. Some with food insecurity, some with finding affordable child care, some with the pain of being separated from family during the most important parts of our lives. Many of us struggle, but we still go on. We understand that our service members are doing a very important job, so we do our best to deal with it and move on. Instead of making assumptions, get to know us. Wave hello, invite us over for coffee. Your offer of friendship might just be what keeps someone going.”
If you’re a military family struggling to cultivate connections, reach out to us! Find a Chapter near you to begin your journey to finding support and resources you want and need. Or, if you’re a civilian supporter, become a Blue Star Neighbor today and learn about the many ways you can empower military families in your community. By reaching out your hand, you can offer up the connection needed to make a military family feel at home.
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