Published: September 10, 2021
Lives Forever Changed: Reflecting on the 20th Anniversary of 9/11
In the military, we talk a lot about change — change of station, change of command, change of mission, change of status, change of schools. There’s an overall need to be adaptable to the “needs of the military.” We can’t think of any other group of people in the world who are more responsive and accepting of change. Despite a firm understanding and acceptance of the need to adapt, it doesn’t always mean it comes easy. Families serving in the military at the time of the 9/11 terrorist attacks are painfully and intimately aware of how true that can be. Twenty years later, and those families are, in many ways, still processing the impact and how much it’s changed their lives … forever.
Dawn, an Active Guard and Reserve (AGR) spouse and mom of four boys, took a moment to reflect on her family’s journey and what it has meant for her and her children. “9/11 is one of those dates that you think of as a definite mark in time. Life before 9/11 and life after,” Dawn said. “My husband was a Reserve soldier for many years before 9/11. He was commissioned 1 week before our wedding and did his officer training a few weeks after our honeymoon. After that, life was pretty normal. He was a banker, I was a teacher, and every few weeks, he traveled to Nebraska from our home in South Dakota for his Reserve duty. Over the next several years, I had minimal involvement with the military; it was his side gig. In 2001, he was promoted to branch manager at the bank and things were going very well. Then, that terrible morning happened. That act of violence, of terror on 9/11, set our little family on a course that would forever change our lives.”
In the months that followed, Dawn’s husband would get called up to Fort Carson, Colorado, to conduct training for troops heading overseas. It was a relief that he would remain stateside, especially given that Dawn had just learned she was pregnant with their first child. So, at the start of 2002, Dawn’s husband set out on his assignment to Colorado. “Originally, the timeframe was six months,” Dawn recalled. “He would be home in time for the birth, he would return to the bank, and life would return to a new normal. Then the extension came. They were moving to Fort Bliss for another 6 months. As those 6 months were coming to an end, there was talk of another extension, this one up to 12 months. The bank had figured out a solution for the year, but 2 years was really a strain. Michael felt like his command was going well and that he was contributing to his country and his calling, so we started discussing the Active Guard and Reserve program. He applied and was accepted. So after 18 months of being on active-duty orders, he signed the papers to be permanently on active-duty status.”
As a military family, when you talk about the challenges of military life, you often hear: “you chose this life,” “you knew what you were signing up for,” or some variation of that. While, yes, service members have “signed up” for military life, that doesn’t mean they could ever completely understand what that service would mean or how it would impact their family. It also doesn’t negate or make the hardships any easier. For Dawn and her husband, adjusting to their new active-duty life was definitely not without struggles. As her husband began his AGR service, he would deploy twice—once to Iraq for 15 months, and then again to Afghanistan.
“The sharpest memories I have from the deployments are with the phone,” Dawn shared. “During the first deployment, I had to buy an extra cordless phone handset (this was back in 2005) for the 10-minute weekly phone calls Michael would get. I had to have the extra phone because then two-year-old Bradley would insist on talking to Dad. We would be in the backyard, each of us on our own phone, talking to Michael. Our little boy babbled to his Dad in nonsense while Michael and I had an actual conversation over him. The rest of that deployment and the next are a blur. I was pretty much in survival mode the entire time, which is where the phone once again played a role. I would get panic attacks, bad ones, where I could barely breathe and definitely couldn’t talk. I would put the boys in the bathtub, sit on the floor next to them, and dial up my mom or one of my sisters. They knew if I didn’t respond after answering that I was having an attack and to just talk to me about daily life, something silly that happened, anything to get my mind back. They probably don’t even remember it, but those moments had a huge impact on me.”
Sadly, Dawn isn’t alone when it comes to struggling with anxiety. In fact, according to the 2020 Military Family Lifestyle Survey, 16% of active-duty service member and 23% of active-duty spouse respondents report having a current diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. If nearly a quarter of active-duty spouses have been diagnosed with anxiety, you can only imagine what the numbers would look like when considering those who go undiagnosed, as is often the case with mental health concerns.
Now, years later, Dawn’s husband continues to serve in the AGR, and their family has continued to grow. They’ve moved 10 times in the last 20 years, now with four boys in tow. Their boys have changed schools eight times and will most likely switch once more before their dad retires. The impact of frequent moves on families, like Dawn’s, is a major concern; specifically for service members. In fact, over a third (38%) of active-duty service member respondents to the 2020 Military Family Lifestyle Survey report that “concerns about the impact of military life on my family” was a reason they would choose to leave military service, making it the most common reason. The moves, the deployments, the time apart; it’s all taught Dawn’s family, in particular, immeasurable resilience and strength. They’ve learned ways to make military life work for them and how to thrive—even in the most trying circumstances.
“We have learned that resilience is not passive, it is very active,” Dawn explained. “You have to make an effort to make it work for you. Sure, there are some kids that will look out for the new kid and welcome them in, but it is unfortunately rare. You have to be ready to stand out there and be part of the world. I know that my boys would not be as strong in their self-esteem had we not lived this life. Sure, they would have friends, but I wonder if they would have the presence of mind they have for the new kid, for that kid who looks lost, had they not been that kid themselves. Bouncing back takes energy and drive, and I feel that military kids are very good at that. I have grown so much as a person, too. I have fixed things that I didn’t know I could fix — I now know the inner workings of my vacuum, which is not something I ever wanted to know. I have handled many crises all while not letting on that there was anything to worry about back home. But the biggest lesson I have learned is to appreciate the time you do have together and how important that time is.” Dawn also knows that Blue Star Families is in her corner, providing information and resources in support of her family.
On 9/11, Dawn’s life, the life that her children would live, and the lives of all current and future military families changed forever. While there have been struggles, pain, heartbreak, and loss, there has also been growth. “We will never know what life would be like had 9/11 not happened,” Dawn said. “We have driven by the bank and the happy little house that we owned back then, and pondered the path not taken. For all that has happened, all the stress that this life throws at us, I am grateful that this life was the one we chose.”
And we’re so thankful that they, and so many families like theirs, made that choice. At Blue Star Families, it’s our mission to lessen the burden of making that decision. The reality is, it has been a long fight for military and Veteran families for the past 20 years, and we are still on duty. Military-connected families are in our communities and need our support. We know the anniversary of 9/11 may bring old feelings of anxiety and stress back up for some military families. If you or a family member is struggling to process those feelings, know that you are not alone and help is available. The Cohen Veterans Network, our Blue Star Partner, has resources available to help.
If you are a civilian neighbor eager to lend a hand as military families continue to navigate loss and other sacrifices from service, you can become a Blue Star Partner, too. By making a donation in support of Blue Star Families, you can support all military families — to help them find resources, build connections, and create an environment in which they can thrive. To learn more about the programs and resources available and how to give, visit www.bluestarfam.org.
Posted In: